CHRISTMAS PARTY & HUMAN RESOURCES

[Sonny]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 15, 2003
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols..., feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 16, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 17, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ..., you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange. We won't exchange gifts since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and our executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 18, 2003
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on meals to our Muslim friends until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men as each group each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing will be allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food so we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste their food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics however, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All D*&$@+ Employees
DATE: November 19, 2003
RE: The D*&$@*+ Holiday Party

Vegetarian Creeps! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to have the party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it and you'll get your D*&$@+ salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The ***** from Hades!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 20, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[Dan Wishengrad]

OMG... absolutely hilarious!!!

Thanks, Sonny, for brightening my otherwise soggy day.

PS For any evangelicals offended by my "OMG" reference, rest assured this acronym stands actually stands for "Old Mildewed Gent"

[JW]

I am not offended by OMG, but is God... Who knows?

[GrayBear]

Muchas gracias, Sonny. That is just flippin' hilarious.

And while I'm at it, my best wishes to ALL my lax brethren (including all esteemed females who may elect to have their own tables) for whatever season it is you feel like celebrating. Or not.

Yours in lax (as always),

Gerry Gallagher
(aka "GrayBear")

[and, to Dan W., who I infer is of similar "vintage" to me, I respectfully request inclusion into the "old mildewed gent" club. The "mildew" part is indisputable--as to the "gent" thing, to quote Johnny Mathis: "it's not for me to say . . . "]

[Zeuslax]

Perfect! Through the first 2 emails I thought it was legit.

[Dan Wishengrad]

Everyone else I forwarded it to got the joke. But my mom called me to ask if they had cancelled the party. Sheesh! It's tough raising your parents, for sure.

And note to Gerry: Of course you can join the old farts' club, but unless you reside here in the Northwest I doubt you are as mildewed as those of us who do...

[peterwho]

Oh contraire!

I believe those of us who live in the perpetually damp state of Florida would argue that we might be the mildew capital of the U.S. (although the folks along the Gulf Coast might make a case, as well).

Have a great time celebrating whatever you celebrate or not (did I miss anyone?)!