2008 Headlines Courtesy of Borowitz
Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:55 pmCan't wait for this year's news? Here's some crystal ball gazing from my favorite political humorist:
Next Year’s News Predictions for 2008 from BorowitzReport.com
January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.
February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs’ waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping.
March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second “Transformers” film without a script, just like they did with the first one.
April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, “It worked before.”
May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from “Army Strong” to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Civil War.”
June: Population experts will warn that the world’s population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.
July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name “Delicious Cupcakes.”
August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, “I can’t even remember what I did last night.”
September: At the Republican National Convention, G.O.P. nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.
October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.
November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the five-billion-dollar cost of his campaign, arguing, “Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country.”
December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops – through Iran
Next Year’s News Predictions for 2008 from BorowitzReport.com
January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.
February: Responding to the controversy over the CIAs’ waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration’s opposition to videotaping.
March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second “Transformers” film without a script, just like they did with the first one.
April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, “It worked before.”
May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from “Army Strong” to “I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Civil War.”
June: Population experts will warn that the world’s population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.
July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name “Delicious Cupcakes.”
August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, “I can’t even remember what I did last night.”
September: At the Republican National Convention, G.O.P. nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.
October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.
November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the five-billion-dollar cost of his campaign, arguing, “Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country.”
December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops – through Iran