The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

[bste_lax]

I remember posting a link a while back that gave you a random Chuck Norris fact but someone e-mailed me all these today:

1) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

3) Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

4) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

5) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

6) Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

7) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

9) Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

10) Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

11) The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

12) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

13) Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

14) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

15) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

16) Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

17) Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

18) Edited Out......

19) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

20) Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

21) There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

22) Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a freaking Indian.

23) When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

24) Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

25) One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

26) Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

27) Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

28) Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

29) One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

30) After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

[Sonny]

Number 9 and 25 are both pretty funny!

[bste_lax]

Here is the same type of thing but with Vin Diesel:

1) When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

2) If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

3) When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4) There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Screw you, team.

5) There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

6) In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7) When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

9) Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

10) Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.

11) Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLS**T!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

12) When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

13) Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

14) Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

15) Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

16) The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

17) Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

18) To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.

19) Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.

20) Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

21) Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

22) Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's crap.

23) In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

24) You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

25) Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

26) If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for idiots." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

27) Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

28) Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for wusses!" at the Acrtic researchers.

29) Vin Diesel taught the Kool-Aid Man how to burst through walls.

30) It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.